Recipe for Disaster, A President's Day Weekend Hash

Ingredients:

• One mom of two elementary-age boys
  
• One long-distance girlfriend of mom, self described as "a non-motherly type", "cool auntie" and "crazy animal lover"
  
• Two sons, ages 6 and 9
• Two nephews, ages 7 and nearly 10
• Two wienerdogs
  

Condiments, to taste:

• One adult gay man to provide sustenance, booze and moral support
• Two turtles and one fish of indeterminate ages
  

Procedure:

1. In the dead of winter, drive two hours and place all ingredients into 4-room, one bedroom, one bathroom apartment.
   
2. Sprinkle children liberally with Wii games, Pokemon cards and snacks. Set aside to marinate.
   
3. Meanwhile in separate room, engage all adults in that quintessential pastime , Chatting in the Kitchen Eating Grownup Food and Drinking Grownup Drinks.
   
4. Arrange wienerdogs to remain annoyingly underfoot of all adults in the kitchen until they tire of begging and burrow into their beds in a thankfully little used corner of the kitchen.
5. Combine all ingredients and simmer over low heat for 2-4 hours.
   
6. As the night winds down, warn kids of their impending bed time and send the dogs out for their final voiding ritual of the day

Surprise ingredient:

• add: One cranky skunk awakened from hibernation by a false spring

Procedure, continued

7. Rush very surprised and nearly blinded skunk-sprayed wienerdog into the house for an emergency sink bath
8. Remove one adult from mixture to purchase liberal amounts of tomato juice and cheap toothpaste
9. Manage major freak out of kids who find it somehow entertaining to run into the room, gag from the smell and run back out, thereby spreading foul odors throughout the apartment.
10. Return adult from errand and proceed with bathing skunked dog in tomato juice.
    
11. Light candles, incense and send the kids to bed
12. Gradually become immune to the smell, think it is nearly gone, until...
13. the next day, venture out and endure stares and wrinkly noses from passers-by.
    
14. Repeat tomato juice baths, launder clothes, air out jackets and engage in other ritualistic de-skunkifying activities.
15. Discover on the internet that such rituals are a bunch of folkloric malarkey.
    
16. Wallow in skunk smell until time to separate ingredients
    
17. Drive two hours home, then wash everything that went on the trip
18. Fall into bed, review recipe and decide that it was still a resounding success.